I know there are some of you faithful blog checkers either in the adoption process or considering it, so I thought I would post a copy of an article we recently wrote for our church's newsletter. It is about the bonding process and some of the different recommendations for those adopting children:
Notes from
the Pastors
“Children are a gift from the Lord” (Psalm 127:3).
And we are so excited to finally be going to China to pick up our little gift! We plan to fly to China on June 20, returning back July 6. Thank you so much for all your prayers and love and encouragement to us. Please continue to pray both for Althea and for us, especially during our time in China later this month.
Knowing that Althea is a precious gift from God, we are doing our best to prepare and plan for her arrival. As we have read and talked to others who have adopted internationally, we have learned a few important things that we want to share with you. The most important thing we have learned is that it is wise to work extra hard for a really good attachment in the earliest part of our time with our daughter. We’re not worried about it, but we are planning to do a few things a bit differently than many parents do, so we thought it would be good to explain them.
When children come to their parents biologically, they have a tremendous “head start” in the attachment department. They are born already recognizing their mother’s smell and her voice (and often dad’s too!). They already associate their parents with comfort and security.
In our situation, our daughter Althea will undoubtedly think we look funny, smell funny, and sound funny (insert joke here). She will also hopefully have established a strong bond to her foster family. This means it is good for us to be more intentional about helping her form a strong attachment to us. It is much easier to go ahead and spend a concentrated “attaching time” at the start of our time together (the first 6-8 weeks). With that in mind, here are a few things we are planning to help this process.
(#1) We can’t have a welcome home party at the airport.
This was our original plan, but we have learned it’s not actually a good idea:
“A common misconception is that the baby will be ‘excited’ about coming to her new home. In fact, the baby will probably be frightened by the new sensory bath in which she finds herself. All of a sudden, after a lengthy journey, she is being thrust into a crowd of many new and unfamiliar smells, sounds and strange bodies. . . . The baby should have as much serenity as possible and must be in Mom’s (or Dad’s) arms the entire time.”1
(#2) We can’t pass her around for a while.
Most parents are able to let everyone take turns holding the baby; and we have certainly enjoyed holding your babies! But during the first 6-8 weeks, it’s really best if we don’t play “pass the baby.” She needs to learn that these two people (strange as they are) are the source for comfort and interaction. Certainly, a few minutes in another person’s arms would not make much difference, but consider how many of you wonderful loving people there are! So please be understanding when we can’t begin letting others hold her for a while.
(#3) All three of us will be “holed up” for a while.
The best way for us to promote good attachment with Althea is for us to spend lots of time together, without a lot of distractions. So when we come back from China, you won’t see much of us at first. We’ll still try to communicate with everyone through the blog (www.burnettfamilyorama.blogspot.com). And you can also write us notes there (please do!). But don’t be surprised if, during our parental leave time, you see very little of us. Also, we have to ask that you don’t stop by and visit. (It’s really hard saying that, but it seems the best for her.)
We really do look forward to Althea getting to know and love her church family, but we know a solid foundation of attachment to us is so important. Feel free to think we’re silly for taking these books so seriously, but please respect our plans. It’s wonderful that we have such a loving, affectionate congregation! We do give thanks for you!
Peace & joy ,
Dawn & Andrew
p.s.--many, many thanks to our dear Laurel who will be keeping our blog up to date while we are in China!
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